I need to sleep earlier.. Oh ya I got a hair cut. YAYZ.
In the words of RuPaul.. “If you don’t love yourself, then how in hell are you going to love someone else?”
Thinking about it now, it sinks in a little deeper then just hearing it as a popular phrase on the TV show. It makes me question myself in the sense of “Do I love myself? Do I really, truly, love myself?”
Maybe I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong ways or all the wrong places. Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong kind of love. Do I even know what to look for? Then I thought, should I even be looking for it? They say it comes when you least expect it. Maybe seeking it out puts pressure and impulse to invest yourself in something that is not at all right for you. We see people around us fall in love all the time; we see it in movies, friends, parents, etc. and we try to look for that endlessly in order to feel complete. What I am starting to realize now is that we are not born as a piece to a “set.” We are born as individuals. Complete individuals. Feeling complete is not someone else’s duty, other than our own. What happens when we find that person is that we find someone who’s sense of feeling complete compliments our own feeling of being a complete person, not fulfilling it. As people, we are not tied to any other person other than just ourselves. As I realize the idea even more, I understand now that I need to be on a journey to fulfill my own goals of who I want to be as an individual person and where I want to be in life. Other people’s idea of love and what it means to them differs greatly from our own and that is what complicates and confuses is when their standards do not work for us. How will you know what love is to you and what it means unless you take the time to figure yourself out and love yourself for what you are and what you will become?
What I need to do now is to stop looking. Stop looking for someone to fulfill a need that only I myself can fulfill. I need to take a step back and learn about myself and what it is that will truly make me happy alone. I’m all over the place and looking in all the wrong ways for this idea of “love” that isn’t even mine but instead a more a popularized version. Once I figure myself out and accept myself to be happy on my own terms, someone will eventually come along. Someone who has done the same as me. I will be able to see it, too, because I will know what that happiness LOOKS like because I will already have been experiencing it. If I want to be happy, I cannot keep myself on the track I am on now. Instead of being in the race to find someone else, it’s about time I step off the track and take a stroll through the park with just me, myself, and I. Perhaps then I will run into someone doing the same, and decide to stroll the park together.
That I didn’t something wrong and that I wasn’t good enough. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me or what I did for that to be done to me.
I would but.. I don’t want to put that topic on too much of a blast. I’ll tell the basics of what happened to me and my side of the story, but the only people who should really know the more specific details are just those involved. Lol sorry